Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
