i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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