I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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