I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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