um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize