you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
