i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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