my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
