You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
