Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
