I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
we're making bets on your personal life
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just puked most of my soul out..
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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