Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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