please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
