I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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