Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
