You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
