I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize