Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
