I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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