Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
