laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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