Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
we're making bets on your personal life
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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