And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
