yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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