in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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