so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
