You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Randomize
