Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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