Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
tell your sister to shave her snatch
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize