sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
