It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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