I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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