She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
