It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
