You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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