I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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