theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
