I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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