her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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