grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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