Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
