whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
