well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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