The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
