she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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