Please, let me fuck your mom
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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