Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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