her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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