I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
