P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
